A Boombox in the Closet

As a teen, I settled into my closet with a boombox, spinning Jewel’s 1998 album Spirit whenever I felt too small in a world that was much too big. I especially loved the lyrics from her song, Hands. When life became overwhelming, music became a safety net. Last week I found myself in a bit of a panic, spiraling back into a past I have intentionally left behind in order to create a happier, healthier version of life for myself. In the middle of this little spiral, the word “broken” kept repeating like a scratched record.

Unbeknownst to me, 1000 miles away, my friend was attending an intimate event with just 30 people and the musician – Jewel. Unaware of my level 4 Menty B., she sent me a text… “NICOLE you need to hear this…” and proceeded to send the audio of Jewel telling the story behind her song, Hands. That night I fell asleep soundly to the nearly forgotten artist who once brought me comfort as a teen, and I spent the next week reading Jewel’s first memoir, titled — “Never Broken: Songs Are Only Half the Story."

Isn’t it wild how the universe sends exactly what you need to hear exactly when you need to hear it? There are powerful stories of hope behind some of our favorite songs. This is one of them. What if we’re all just scrappy, creative kids trying to insert ourselves into the life we desire? One of Jewel’s best-selling songs came to her while she was homeless. Her story is a reminder of the places you can go in spite of where you came from.

Jewel grew up in a remote cabin off the grid in Alaska without running water. She yodeled her way into perfect pitch and an incredible singing range. By the 4th grade, she began performing in lumberjack bars with her father, singing 5 hour sets to the scent of stale beer and cigarette smoke. She fell in love with exploring her own voice and learned to cover some of the best songs ever written. 

Jewel learned many life lessons by quietly observing the bar patrons. She understood from a very young age that no one can outrun pain. Pain can be numbed in many ways but healing requires facing yourself and walking through it. She began to document her emotions and instincts by writing. She journaled to work through her childhood experiences; using words like Hansel and Gretel used bread-crumbs in the forest. Writing ensured she would never forget who she was.

Jewel chose to leave a chaotic, abusive home by age 15. She found a $400 one-room cabin for herself and her horse to live in. Too young for a drivers license, she rode horseback 2 hours to work along the beach if the tide was low enough, leaving her horse at a farm 3 miles from town and hitchhiking the rest of the way. A boy who picked her up once became her best friend, and remains so to this day. To wash dishes and bathe, she carried water from the creek and stored groceries in an outdoor ice chest for a few days at a time. She often lived off leftover halibut heads from the local fishermen in town.

After narrowly earning a partial scholarship for a prestigious performing arts high school in Michigan, she had to come up with $10,000 tuition, just one month before the semester began. Jewel planned a solo fundraising concert, found a friend to help design posters and recruited an accountant she used to babysit for to help with the bookkeeping. Jewel convinced local businesses to donate items for an auction during the show. She didn’t play any instruments but found an old family friend to play piano for her while she sang. The day of her show, the entire town showed up to support her. After tallying up the proceeds, she was still $5000 short. A local tv celebrity found out and generously wrote her a check for the difference. Jewel sold her horse and scraped together just enough money for a one way flight. She spent her remaining days in Alaska writing thank you notes to her entire hometown. She arrived in Michigan with a single duffle bag to her name, full of khaki pants and blue tops she found in a local thrift shop to meet the school dress code.

She was sent to the dean's office on the first day and was almost expelled for arriving with a pocket knife attached to her pants. After learning she would need to purchase her own books and food, she explained her situation to the Dean. He helped her find a job on campus and tracked down used books for her to buy. She flew under the radar, discovered poetry, witnessed privilege and graduated with an arts education.

Jewel moved to San Diego with the hope of becoming a professional musician and took a job to make ends meet. Newly 18, her boss propositioned her. When she refused to sleep with him, he refused to give her the paychecks she had earned, causing her to miss her rent payment. She began living in her car, until her car was stolen and she became homeless. Desperate, she began shop-lifting and living off stolen produce and other small items. The shoplifting escalated to clothing. One day, Jewel was in a dressing room about to steal a dress when she looked at herself in the mirror— broken and ashamed. She looked down at the dress in her hands and decided she would not become a statistic.

Instead of focusing on what she couldn’t do, she began writing again. She wrote down everything her hands could do. Whenever she had panic attacks, she would look at her hands and remember everything she was still capable of doing, instead of the things outside of her control. Jewel decided that she owed it to the younger version of herself to fight for her own happiness. She couldn’t afford to be hopeless.

So she wrote the song, “Hands." 

She began singing in coffee shops and bars until she earned enough money to make a deposit on a new apartment. During one of those gigs, she was discovered while singing her original: “Who Will Save Your Soul.” It was one of the first songs she had ever written, drafted over many years and many difficult experiences. It’s about how no one will save your soul if you aren’t willing to save your own. If no one is coming for you — you are coming for you.

A radio DJ from 91-X aired an unsigned bootleg version of one of her songs after hearing her play at a small gig. It was requested into the top-ten countdown – a rare occurrence for an unsigned musician. By the age of 19, Jewel had recorded a successful debut album with Atlantic Records. Who Will Save Your Soul was being covered by huge bands. She found herself on the cover of TIME magazine with a headline that read: “Grunge is out, empathy is in.”

Jewel has been nominated for four Grammy Awards and has sold over 30 million albums worldwide. She is multi-platinum singer-songwriter, New York Times bestselling author, and founder of a non profit organization. Her charity supports homeless kids and youth from all socio-economic backgrounds with the goal of reminding children they are never broken, and giving them tools to become whole humans.

Music is powerful in more ways than one and songs are only half the story. IYKYK. If you’re here, you follow my brand and read these long-winded blogs — because you are drawn to music. Lean into that. We all live interconnected existences and music is living proof of that. You are never alone when your favorite album is on. 

I have been thinking a lot recently about that girl in the closet with her boombox. She never could have imagined a braver, grown-up version of herself, owning a brand and writing songs like breadcrumbs on a trail back to herself. 10 out of 10 recommend returning to the pastimes you found comfort in as a child.

Thank you for following along — from the bottom of my basement closet. 📻

“You see, punk rock isn’t a genre — it is a ferocity of authenticity. It’s the outrageous belief in your own voice’s value, even in the face of impossible odds. So here’s to the shit-stirrers. Here’s to the disenfranchised. Here’s to the earnest. Here’s to the warriors on the streets, gutting it out. Here’s to those who have gone so far inside themselves to stay alive that their voice is untouched, uniquely theirs. We are coming.”

— JEWEL